I had an opportunity to connect tonight and did a really terrible job at it. I should have known better.
We had a picnic tonight for The Worship Society, and I really wanted to go. I had it on the calendar for weeks, and clicked the little box in the invite that said “going.” I even told someone what I was bringing. But after spending a wonderful day with my sister, shopping for ideas for her renovation, I suddenly didn’t want to go to this picnic by myself. Everyone I normally would have taken along was working, and I instinctively knew it would be awkward.
Dragging my feet, I ended up being about a half-hour late. By the time I got there, everyone was already paired off, chatting with others they knew, or playing corn hole and frisbee golf. The parents were with their kids on the playground, and so as I looked for a place to connect, I found one or two people that I knew a bit, chatted for a few minutes. Then, I sat for a little while to watch those who were playing games.
I immediately felt lonely amongst a large group of people, and I knew I was in trouble. There was not a way to gracefully exit the party, not that anyone even seemed to notice me. Still, with everyone gathered in the shelter to eat, walking away felt like a spotlight would be on me. So I stayed a bit longer. I grabbed a hot dog and some fruit, and ate an amazing bite of cheesecake.
I had two choices: to sit and be miserable, or to walk away with the risk of people wondering if I had crashed their picnic just to get a meal. My fight or flight response mechanism pushed me to leave, and as hard as that was, it would have been harder to stay.
Sometimes the frame of mind just isn’t right. Tonight was one of those times. I wish I had done better. Differently. But I didn’t. I’m not perfect and I’m going to have times like these, so I’m just accepting that it was an off night, and I’ll try again tomorrow. That’s the best I’ve got for now.
DAY 225 HOMEWORK: If you can learn from my failure, or if you tend to repeat my failure, either way, it’s ok. The only thing you can do is to keep loving yourself, and start a fresh page tomorrow.